Quotes with a sense of humour # 1

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge