I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness . but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would bedangerous to offer me the position. Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. Joe Namath
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher..
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
